The things I fear most
What are you afraid of?
Everyone is scared of something. Maybe the fear is loss, death, failure, spiders… there’s a multitude of options.
"While traditionally considered a 'negative' emotion, fear serves an important role in keeping us safe, mobilizing us to cope with potential danger.”
Fear doesn't always have a purpose. Sometimes, when our worries are verbalized, and we can see what we're feeling, we realize how silly the fear was in the first place.
I'm unsure if it's because of where I am in life or because the semester is ending, but right now, I'm experiencing a lot of fear. The same nine or so fears have popped up for me at least every few months for the last couple of years. Sometimes, these fears live for a few seconds and sometimes all day.
I hope that by me verbalizing my fears, you, too, will feel like maybe your fears aren't so scary.
Here's what I'm afraid of:
People don't see me the way I see me
One of my biggest fears is thinking I present one way and seem another. I constantly fear that people actually hate me when I think they love me or that I've said the wrong thing when I think I've said the right thing. I fear I have no idea what's going on in this universe and that everyone knows but me. I care about the opinions of others so much that sometimes, I'm more concerned with how I present than how I feel. Am I happy with myself? Do I like me? I think I do. I hope others see me for who I see myself as.
How do I fight this? By being okay with knowing people will not always see me the way I see myself, I choose to be confident in the person I am. I remind myself of my humanity. I remind myself that it is okay to make mistakes, just as it is okay for others to make mistakes.
Purposelessness
I'm scared that one day, I'll wake up and realize I have wasted all the time I was given on this earth. Purposelessness is closely related to the fear of failure. As of right now, creating has been the thing that makes me feel alive. But what if that isn't the thing that is really going to make me feel alive? What if there's this other thing that I'll never find that would've given me a true purpose?
How do I fight this? I do the things that bring me joy, dive deep into my work, and remind myself that I'm not supposed to have everything figured out right now. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.
Loneliness
I HATE feeling lonely. I'm okay with feeling sad, disappointed, and in pain, but loneliness? Nope. I hate it. I run from it. This means sometimes I'm uncomfortable with being alone because, in my brain, this is me becoming a hermit and scaring everyone away with how hermit-y I am.
How do I fight this? I remind myself that I am capable of making new friends. This earth is full of people. I must follow my path, and the right folks will come along.
Getting kidnapped by some random man in a parking lot and taken to an old wooden cabin that smells deeply of smoke and mildew in the middle of the woods and locked in its basement with no way to get out and no windows or sunlight and food and the only water available is brown because it's probably from the toilet and I can't figure out how to get out and no it's not a movie because yes they always figure out how to get out and yes I will die in here and never see my family or friends again and my mom will die of a broken heart because she feels like she failed me and my brother will become an addict and live on the side of the road because I was never there to support him through high school and my dad is well, Fabio.
How do I fight this? I go to bed.
I was never supposed to get into Chapel Hill, and they let me in because they pitied the poor homeschooled kid.
I know this one just isn't true, but when I'm at my lowest, this fear sure likes to say hello.
I'll never be talented enough to get a job.
This one formed at some point during the last few months. I try not to believe it, but sometimes, it takes its hold. What if no employer ever wants me? What if no one ever gives me a chance?
How do I fight this one? I remind myself that everyone is growing and evolving every single day. Growth never stops. This means that I also grow and develop every day. Just because I don't follow my dream plan doesn't mean I can't experience good moments. Just because I don't do what I think I'm supposed to do doesn't mean I won't do the thing that is meant for me.
Losing someone I'm close with.
I'm going straight to how I fight this: I remind myself that things happen outside my control. I choose to enjoy the people I have while I have them. You never know what this world will bring.
Butterflies
Fuckin hate butterflies. Don't ask me, I don't know why. Something about how comfortable they are with landing on someone really gives me the creeps. Their wings tickle. I don't like it.
How do I help myself? I don't. They're beautiful… from afar.
Reaching the end of my life and feeling discontent.
I am so scared I will die and feel like I didn't live my life the way I should have. I'm afraid I will always feel the need for more, more, and that it will never be enough for me. I'm scared I'm gonna die and beat myself up for the words I didn't say and the things I didn't do.
How I warm my heart: I remind myself that I am doing my best. If one can be aware and curious, one will know. It's okay to mess up.
You might be able to see a pattern in my fears. Many of these fear statements are intermingled. Often, one stems from another and another, and then you end up in a fear spiral. Notice your fear spirals. Notice the thought they originate from.
Just notice.
Become curious and aware.
How can you help you?